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WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
30 Views
09/28/06
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When I was younger I dreamed how a relationship should be a sharing of goals and lives. A love so strong that is is always exciting and growing; a blending of two imperfect individuals into stronger, better people who laugh more, accomplish more, are happier, more successful, and more at peace.
I am still dreaming that dream because I still believe in it. I never had a "home". The was a father, a mother, and siblings. But I was the forgotten one. I raised myself. I have been searching for love and home all my life. Recently, I believe I caught a brief glimpse of it. It felt like home to me and love was there. I it was I have longed for my entire life. That person knows to whom I speak--may love and peace be our treasure to each other throughout our lives.
What's love got to do with it? Why everything imaginable! It is a strong, deep affection and devotion for another, unconditonal and unexplainable. Friendship is a mutual union or bond felt between people who care deeply for one another. To cherish is to treasure, adore, value and love. They all sound the same to me. They all spell L-O-V-E.
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WHAT IS THIS INTERMINABLE LONGING?
18 Views
09/18/06
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I have been trying to wrap my head around the word for the longest time. I have seen it in the writings, love letters and poetry of both men and women. But what does it mean? WHat does it really mean?. Who understands.
As usual when I am doing research, I start with my dictionary and Thesaurus and write down every word of explanation and synonym. Then I take each of these words and they get the sane treatment until every word has been cross-referenced against every other. I then go to my quotations and read hundreds of them to get a clear understanding of men and women throughout the ages of thought it's meaning and effect to be upon society.
Descriptive words: ache, crave,wistful, desire, hope, hunger, lust, yearning, interminable, unending, and unattainable. Yuck! Doesn't sound too pretty does it? But we all know that what we long for is the most beautiful creature known to man and G-d. There seems to be a strong emphasis on the physical rather than the esoteric. Worse yet, none of us is worthy of ever getting our hands on our beauty and doomed to a life of pain according to definition. Oh, yes, the playful word wistful that sounds like a daydream on a summer day is described as desire or yearning fringed with melancholy.
May be we can do better with some excerpts from quotations. How's this, "a strong desire especially for something unattainable"--not too heartwarming. "Craving is an intense, urgent or abnormal desire". Abnormal? I don't think there is any thing wrong with me, I only want to love and be loved back? He had "an eager desire, a craving, a morbid appetite." Morbid? This is not the longing I know. Ah, but listen to what the great Confu[kcq]ian philosopher Xan Zi said, "Sacrifices are concerned with the feelings of devotion and longing." To be happily in love it seems then we must all suffer miserably and unendingly. Let's try to get closer to the present century. Anna Freud--"If some longing goes unmet, don't be astonished. We call that life." I wonder if Sigmund knew she was a Confu[kcq]ian?
I know this longing we are feeling is not abnormal. It is the nature of every creature G-d created to be mated. It must couple or die. It will the end of its kind. For homo sapiens G-d gave us a soul and so we long for something deeper than a mate to propagate the species. As James Russell Lowell said, "The Thing we long for, that we are for on transcendent moment." Our soul mate. Orison Scott Harden eluded, "The Creator has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do." Some have glimpse the truth about what longing means and not fallen for the words of doom and gloom.
I have had the longing my entire life. And lately I have begun to wonder if it is dissatisfaction with self or if it was a feeling with real substance behind it. I had to know once and for all if I was wasting my energies wanting something that would never be.
I went into a meditative state and went into my L-ord's house and said, "L-rd, may I ask you a question? Of course, My Child. Is longing something real? Yes, it is. Please, L-rd, tell me its meaning between a woman and a man in a true loving relationship. Child, it is knowing and waiting."
I opened my eyes and I knew immediately what our G-d meant. When you long for your soul mate you know beyond any doubt that he/she is out there. And you wait for that person to show themselves. And it is because of our certainty that we continue to wait. We have to remember things happen in G-d's time not our time. Our year is but a nanosecond to him. We have no idea what he must do to prepare us and our soul mate for each other. Our job is to know and wait as He has said.
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The artwork is copyrighted by the artist and cannot be copied by any means or used in any means whatsover without the express written permission of the artist. Copyright 2006 "And Two Shall Become One" by LAsmussen
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THE HEART'S TEARFUL LONGING
13 Views
09/01/06
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We meet online because we know quality is not found in bars and clubs.
To attract one another we banter back and forth about our sexual prowess.
Yet, one does not know if the other tells the truth; yet we all take that chance.
Because the need is so great; the longing no longer bearable; we want to believe but no longer dare.
Tears have fallen. And tears have dried. We still do not know if Love truly exists.
Is Love perhaps for other people only? Only for the "beautiful" people and not for me to have.
I have given so much intense love over the years my heart should be drained. Still I know there is more love for someone so special yet to receive.
Is he a fantasy? A dream remembered after waking? A day dream? A memory of a love story read long ago?
Or is it truly possible?--could G-d have created such a man for me? This is the love I choose to believe in.
I have searched. I have hunted. I have written countless emails to possible, maybe loves. Telephone bills to be paid from calling yet another who is not the one.
Then where, G-d, please tell me where he is and why he can't find me? I need to know why I cannot see him and feel his touch.
This emptiness I have known for years. A deep chasm within my heart that nothing, no one can fill. I don't want to live empty forever. Please, L-rd, promise me that is not my fate!
I feel I must do something. I feel I must fix something. I feel that if I were more this or less that, he would show himself and make his heart known.
There is but one thing I can do. Every morning I wake and I do this, no matter how hard. With tears and without. Knowing the pain of emptiness I do this one thing I can do to bring my Beshert to me.
Each instant he is closer because, I know I must "let be and know that you are G-d."
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I HAVE PERMISSION FROM G-D
11 Views
08/31/06
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Hashem has given me permission to be all that I can be. I have achieved many great things in my life all before I was forty. I have been on television and quoted in the newspaper. I have helped to start many new businesses that became successful. I have consulted with the Board of Directors with many banks during the hard 80's, to help them keep their doors open. I have spoken at state conventions. I have conceptualized and conducted a conference with all branches of government represented. I have worked with the Film Commission to promote filming movies and other media in our state--we succeeded with "Star Wars II" and "Rambo". I have birthed and raised two beautiful, intelligent children who have a very hard work ethic and have risen to the tops in their fields. I have saved two lives. I was invited to our President's Inaugural dinner. I have talked a crazed man out of slaughtering my family with a machete. I have been a visiting artist to elementary schools. I graduated 10th in my class sadly, I had not even given full effort. I was chosen to be a foreign exchange student. I receive Christmas cards from Mr. & Mrs. Bush, and many Senators and Members of Congress. I was requested to be on this year's Presidential Task Force. I organized a two drive among a company of 20 people that resulted in over $600 of toys for poor children at Christmas.
I can do anything I set my mind to, if I desire it in my heart. But if I cannot embody the concept in my heart, it goes no where. Intellectual concepts are nothing without heart behind them. They will never come to fruition.
This is where I am today. I chose to do something I have always wanted to try and I hate it. I cannot make a success of it. Because I chose it for selfish greedy reasons, I wanted to make a lot of money. Of course, I had plans to use it to help support two families, etc. But the initial reason was my own greed. To prove that I could be the eagle at the top of the Totem pole. That is not who I am. I prefer to work quietly in the background and let presidents and managers take the glory. That is precisely why I cannot make this job work. I cannot get the desire burning within my heart. So, I have to leave it behind. So hard to start all over when I have not had an income since February 2006. But a relief to recognize the truth instead of trying to live a lie.
Now, I face the fact that I must search again for work that empassions me. It is hard when all I want to do is work on my art. However, there is a phrase "starving artist" for a reason. I need a day job.
It becomes frustrating day after day, hour after hour, being rejected because you are considered too accomplished, too knowledgable. Sometimes I want to scream, "use me". If they could forget I am "overqualified", they could have the benefit of my knowledge and talents. Still employers let their own fears keep them from hiring a person who can benefit their company. Some supervisors worry I will out shine them and take their job. Never would. Some are afraid to hire me because they believe I will leave in a month or two when a higher paying offer comes along. I prefer to be in once place for a long time. Perhaps, they should just ask me what my intentions are.
I have Hashem's permission to live a full and happy life. Now, if I could only get the frightened people of the world to understand that and get out of my way, imagine what could happen.
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THE POWER OF LOVE
32 Views
08/31/06
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There is great power in knowing that you are loved unconditionally. To be with someone who spends their time talking about what is good about your life instead of trying to change you "for the better" is a wonderful thing. Some people spend the entire time they spend with you telling you how much your life would be improved if you would just do things their way. They make comments to manipulate you into their way of thinking because they see the world only in their small way. If you aren't doing things the way they think they should be done, then you are WRONG. Often those people think they are helping you, but instead they may damage, or at least dent your self esteem. I am a terrific person, I hope you see that. If you don't understand that, it is too bad. I feel the beauty of your soul and the boundless love inside your heart.Let us love each other we are.
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I HOLD MY LOVE BUT LIGHTLY
16 Views
08/30/06
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I hold my love but lightly. I know in re-enacting the nature of G-d's love, I don't need to push the river. I am not called on to re-arrange the sun, the moon and stars. I am called on to renew my own nature, to hold my faith, to work with the laws of G-d's universe. I cannot and need not force good works. I cannot force intelligence, humor or love. They all come silently, gently to the easy and faithful mind.
I HOLD MY LOVE BUT LIGHTLY, FOR I KNOW THAT THINGS WITH WINGS MUST FLY.
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ADOLF HITLER THE ARTIST
13 Views
08/28/06
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The skectch of the dog was drawn by Adolf Hitler, an extreme animal lover.
I watched the most fascinating film this afternoon on the IFC (Independent Film Channel). "Max", as it is entitled, was made in 2002. It stars John Cussack--at his very, very best ability and Noah Taylor as the young Adolf Hitler in 1918.
As the story is told Max Rothmann, who lost his arm in WWI, is a Jewish Art Broker who befriends young Adolf who struggles so hard with his art. Many scenes of Jewish life are scene in the movie. When asked by his friends why he does it, Max explains, because despite his obvious loss, he can home to someone. To his home, his business, his family and to his bank account; and he knows all to well that there were too many like Herr Hitler, who came home to nothing and no one. A perfect example of a Jewish Mitzvah.
Hitler is portrayed as a pititable creature; a lisping, inconfident young man; every compliment he felt held a hidden slight. Still sullen over not being accepted to the Vienna Art school, he is a vegetarian who can become completely ill at the mere site of how animals are treated whether, cows being milked or birds in a cage. He seemed to have this huge affinity for animals and insisting that they never be caged, nor used as food or beasts of burden. He is friendless having little feeling for his own kind--mankind.
Hitler is very small in stature, pasty-faced, half-starving and very co-dependent on Max. He is continually biting his nails, straightening his hair, and exhibiting obsessive compulsive behaviors. Noah Taylor does such a masterful job of portraying the mentally disturbed young man. His every terror and moment of angst is shown on his face. His terror at some unforseen horror that follows him around day and night shows in his sullen sunken eyes. Max Rothmann frequently gives him a few German Marx to buy food as he tries to spurn him on to work harder at his art if he wants Rothmann to represent him. This is the Bauhaus period and in the other artists Max presents you can see the beginnings of Dadaism which gave way to the surrealist movement. Rothmann continually tries to draw out the angst of the solitary soldier from Adolf and get him to paint it on canvas--like the other "modern" artists (Dada who used their art as a protest to war.
Through out the movie, Hitler is going back and forth between art and politics. One day ranting and raving at a minor street rally, the next beseeching Rothmann, the Jew to give him a showing. At one point he is approached by two men who ask Adolf to be a stand in speaker for one who has become ill. He at first declines and says he has given up politics (for art). The gentlemen plead that it would be just this one time (it becomes six different speeches in total during the movie) to be spoken for a small new party of maybe 500-600 membersknown as the NSSR. After a few moments hesitation he gives in.
You see him standing chalk faced on the stage chewing his thumbnail, while his other hand smooths down is hair. You can see just the beginnings of a mustache. He appears to be about to bolt and run, when his thumb leaves his mouth, and out comes this booming. projecting voice of almost incoherent sentences because of his eagerness to speak his mind yet the thoughts are unorganized. As the movies progresses you see the speeches being more organized in Hitler's mind, formulated into a single focus--what Adolf Hitler called Blood Jew. The blood that was contaminating a pure Germanic race. This one speech, unbeknownst to him seals his fate. This movie has a most powerful climatic ending. This is a must see film. "MAX", filmed in 2002, starring John Cussak and Noah Taylor.
It is well known that Adolf Hitler didn???t get into art school in Vienna. In fact many believe WWII and the Holocaust might have been totally avoided if Hitler had been accepted into the academy. What is less known is that before his political career Hitler actually made a meager living selling his paintings and drawings in Vienna and later Munich. The sadistic tyrant might not have been very talented but he never stopped making art. It was a habit that would almost lead to a major scandal for Der Fuhrer in the 20s.
According to Ernst Hanfstaengl and F. Schwartz, the Nazi party treasurer at the time, Hitler was blackmailed by a man who had somehow gotten possession of a number of pornographic sketches and watercolors the Fuhrer had made of his then mistress Geli Raubal, who suicided shortly afterwards. Hanfstaengl claims the pictures showed Geli in pornographic positions ???which any professional model would decline to assume.??? It is known that Hitler paid off the blackmailer and did not have the art works destroyed. They were preserved in his private safe in the Brown House. After the war they disappeared. Until now there has been no way to know for sure what these pictures looked like. We can, of course, assume the drawings and watercolors were not simply of Geli in the buff. In the Germany of the 20s there would have been nothing so shocking about such pictures that would have forced Hitler to bend to blackmail.
It has all along been assumed that these pictures reveal the tyrants abnormal and perverse sexual tastes. No evidence exists that these pictures were ever destroyed. For years now it has been assumed that they were still out somewhere.
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WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
16 Views
08/24/06
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Opening my mail this morning, I find that I have been asked to be in Who's Who of Executive & Professional Woman. My first thought, of course, is, Me? They have made a mistake. This can't be real. But I did some research on the Web and it is legitimate.
After that, I thought, how could they have possibly gotten my name. Then I started thinking about my life. I'd like you to do that if you can while reading this. Pretend you just received the same letter.
Isn't it funny how when we think back over our lives, we remember first our biggest mistakes; our most embarrasing moments and finally the worst decisions we ever made. We are our on worst critics. May be that is why one of my most favorite prayers is the Bedtime Shema.
It appears, though, when I was busy thinking of myself as a loser, no one was watching. They were paying attention to the bright and beautiful stuff that I was doing.
Like participating as a home economics judge for 3 years at the county fair, encouraging young people to keep trying and not let tailorship become a lost art.
Their was the one time when I spearheaded a conference for small business people to teach them how to do business with all forms of government. I was able to have government officials from each layer in attendance including the military. Further, I spoke to the commander of the local Marine base and asked him if we could hold it in on of the buildings on base and he agreed!
I first thought of the time a made a presentation to the largest (newspaper) employer in the city, which
was an extreme success; I always put that in my failure column because afterward I found I had a large stain on the back of my skirt.
I accidentally dropped the keeps to the bank vault in the toilet and they we unretrievable. One of the worst things ever to happen to me. I had no self-esteem at the time. Needless to say the rest of the staff got alot of mileage jokewise out of that episode.
The next year, I spoke at the Arizona State Convention representing Yuma County as their Young Career Woman of the Year. I was one of five finalists. Rumor has it the count between the winner and I was only by a couple votes.
So the next time you go bad-mouthing anyone--especially yourself--think before you speak. What you remember may not be the truth of your being.
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TRAINS ARE LIKE PEOPLE
11 Views
08/21/06
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The rails that crisscross the countryside and cut through cities have long captured people's imaginations. Just the idea of taking a ride on a luxury train, an express commuter line, or a cargo train can evoke a sense of freedom, adventure, or romance. Trains are like people in that they must inevitably arrive at their destinations. They make scheduled and unscheduled stops along the way and move at their different speeds. Some trains can travel for hours and are mindful of only a single destination; other trains meander from busy stop to busy stop. The route and purpose of any train may change as the years go by.
Our lives stretch out in front and behind us like train tracks, and we are the train, its passengers and the engineer. The way you choose to live your life and the goals you are working toward are the route and destinations you have chosen. Like a passenger riding a train, you have the choice to get on and off, find new routes, pick new places to visit, or just stop and enjoy the view for awhile. Perhpas you like to move quickly through life as if you were an express train. Or maybe, like a commuter passenger, you like taking the same routes over and over again. You may even want to stop just riding along and choose a different direction you'd like your life to take.
If you have examined the tracks of your life and are feeling unsatisfied, you may want to explore the changes you can make to find a more fulfilling path to follow. Perhaps you'd like to slow down a little bit more and take a windier path rather than just traveling down the straight and narrow. Or maybe, you'd like to experience your life more as an adventure rather than just a ride that gets you where you need to go. Changing your route can sometimes give you a chance to "get on the right track." You may even discover that the something new you've been waiting for is just around the bend.
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KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY WANT!
10 Views
08/20/06
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If you want to conquer fear, break through limiting beliefs, and live a life you love, you need to know what you really want. What do you really want?
It seems odd that grown people would not know what they want and often don't hold the power to act on their dreams. Yet, it is very common. Kids on the other hand seem to know exactly what they want. Why? One reason is that they have the time to day dream, fantasize, and think. Adults, with busy schedules, don't take the time to do this. If you haven't asked yourself lately what you want, then you probably don't know the answer. You are either living out someone else's dream for you or are settling for what's simply good when you could have what is best! Either of these two scenarios lead to an unfulfilled life of someone asking, "Is that all there is?"
Take some time to daydream--right now. Think about what your dream life would look like. What time would you get up most mornings? Who would be in your life? What would your day look like? What job would you have? How would you be spending your time?
Keep a dream book where you write down (and even draw pictures) of what your dream life would look like. The most amazing thing will happen: you will begin watching yourself grow into your dreams! You'll look back at your dreams of five years ago and think, "Gosh, I did that--no problem."
There is so much power in knowing what you want. Clarity gives you power. When you know what you want, and you begin acting on those wants (even in small ways), every day of your life looks more exciting. You'll look back and see unfolding miracles that make your dream happen. If it's true that G-d gave you the desires of your heart, then it is imperative that you know your desires and have the courage to communicate them. You will begin the process of creating them by first taking the time to realize them. Know what you really want!
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A FRESH NOW MOMENT
10 Views
08/18/06
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It can be easy for us to walk through the world and our lives without really being present. While dwelling on the past and living for the future are common pasttimes, it is physically impossible to live anywhere but the present moment. We cannot step out our front door and take a left turn to May of last year any more than we can take a right turn to December 2010. Nevertheless, we can easily miss the future we are waiting for as it becomes the now we are too busy to pay attention to. We then spend the rest of our time playing "catch up" to the moment that we just let pass by. During moments like these, it is important to remember that there is only Now. In order to feel more at home in the present moment, it is important to try to stay aware, open, and receptive. Being in the present moment requires our full attention so that we are fully awake to experience it. When we are fully present, our minds do not wander. We are focused on what is going on right now, rather than thinking about what just happened or worrying about what is going to happen next. Being present lets us experience each moment in our lives in a way that cannot be fully lived through memory of fantasy. When we begin to corral our attention into the present moment, it can be almost overwhelming to be here. There is a state of stillness that has to happen that can take some getting used to, and the mind chatter that so often gets us into our heads and out of the present moment doesn't have as much to do. We may feel a lack of control because we aren't busy planning our next move, assessing our current situation, or anticipating the future. Instead, being present requires that we be flexible, creative, attentive, and spontaneous. Each present moment is completely new, and nothing like it has happened or will ever happen again. As you move through your day, remember to stay present in each moment. In doing so, you will live your life without having to wait for the future or yearn for the past. Life happens to us when we happen to life in the Now.
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LIFE IS SHORT BUY THE SHOES.
11 Views
08/17/06
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What do shoes have to do with anything, you ask? Why everything, of course.
Each of us is born not knowing our span of time on this earthly plane. How old are you now?
At this age, how many regrets do you have? That you did not ask Abigail to the prom? That you did not let Aaron kiss you under as the snow started to fall? That you took the "safe" job instead of the one you really wanted and would have loved? That you decided not to have children?
OK. Do over time. Close your eyes, close your mouth and breathe slowly in and out through your nose. Go back to one of those regrets and make the other decision. Now, keep your eyes closed and day dream. Carry it out as far as you can. Do not worry about other people's criticisms or opinions. This is your life only your decisions matter. What would your life be like if you had made the other decision? Are you smiling now? Do you feel light and happy?
Maybe the other decision would not have made a big longterm difference in your life--or maybe it would have made the difference between absolute joy and complete misery.
The crux of it all is these are our lives we are living and we should be living them for ourselves without apology to anyone else. Sure there will be people who disapprove. But that is only their opinion and they are not the boss of you. Choose for your life what you want in your life.
Life is short. There sits the most gorgeous pair of purple leopard print boots. Aunt Edith would have a cow if you wore them. You are not asking Aunt Edith to wear them. I'm sure Auntie's mother and Grandmama had a few cows when Edith was your age.
Life is short. Buy the shoes.
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CREATE YOUR REALITY
21 Views
08/15/06
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Are you easily distracted? Do external circumstances dictate your mood and energy levels? Do you get so caught up in the details that you fail to see the bigger picture? When outside elements control the way you perceive things, it's time for a shift of attention!
The ability to control where you focus your attention allows you to create your environment. It's something we're all born with, thought that's easy to forget, and it gives us the energy to do work, finish projects and succeed in our endeavors big or small. By increasing your awareness to include the whole picture as well as the details (something that's not easy for everyone - we all tend to get caught up in our own personal minutiae) you enable yourself to react to situations with enough rationality to direct them toward your objectives.
Awareness is influenced by our surroundings (and what we perceive that to mean as individuals). You can consider your environment to be your home, your neighborhood, your state, your country, the world and so on...But the more you're aware of, the broader your scope. The narrower your point of view, the smaller, and conversely, seemingly more important your thoughts are to you. But really, the opposite is true. If you're caught up in your own head, stuck only on the details, small things seem bigger and more important than they are. This happens all the time because awareness can only include things we thake the time to notice.
But if you realize that we're all connected, part of a universal energy wherein our individual highest good benefits the greater good, whether or not you had a bad hair day seems insignificant. Likewise, your concern over a rocky relationship lifts to reveal the real issue. If you stay in a situation where you're
unhappy without trying to fix it, you're not benefiting anyone, least of all yourself or your partner. There is a world of love out there, waiting for you to be part of it.
Consider that we become aware by placing our attention on something. Before placing your attention on that thing, it didn't exist for you. Once you became aware of it, it's real and part of your consciousness on some level. By observing, you make things alive in your own universe. On the other hand, when you put less attention on something, it tends to disappear. Problems don't go away, no. But by focusing on the solution, you may find you get there quicker. Remaining focused on bad brings bad. Finding the positive incorporates it into your reality.
Is your life precisely what you wish it to be? If not, no matter the reason, you can still learn to control your attention, and thereby, learn to create it. Does that mean you can materialize something out of nothing? No. Awareness and action work hand in hand. But without the former, all the work in the world may prove useless.
Armed with greater awareness, you can be the change you wish to affect, in your own life and the world at large.
Control your focus.
Refocus your attention
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OPEN LETTER TO MY BELOVED MOTHER
28 Views
08/14/06
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Dear Mama,
You died today ten years ago. You left me too soon. I had so much more love to give you. Pity is, I did not know until the day you died that you loved me. Why did you do that, Mama? You were are good mother. No one was blaming you for what happened--except yourself. Even if you had been there that fateful day, you could not have stopped what happened. That evil man would have only waited for another opportunity. Do you realize how long it took me to know you had withdrawn your affection from me? Years. Because you still did the motherly things. You dressed me. You feed me. Every Christmas pleasure I ever wanted found a way under the tree. But you weren't holding me. Rocking me and I was such a tiny babe. No hugs. No kisses. There was no pride in my accomplishments. When I told you of my accomplishments, Mama, why did we always argue? I tried so hard to please you, to make you love me, and I just couldn't do it. I didn't even know what I did that was wrong. Finally, I became afraid of you. I would do what I could to stay away from you because you usually yelled at me, but when I came home, I feared your wrath. It was a horrible existence. It could have been fixed so easily with just one hug, one kiss from you. If I had only known that you loved me.
I did find out, at the moment of your death, your soul passed through me before you went on to say goodbye to Daddy, the man you loved your whole life. I have never felt so consumed with love. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world. You lingered a brief moment not wanting to leave and I didn't want you to go either. But I knew your time had come. You had consumed yourself with self-hatred thinking you were a horrid mother--so much so that you let cancer eat you alive.
None of that was true Mama. It wasn't until after Daddy died four years later that I remembered what happened. But Daddy never took is love away. He never felt responsible. Only one person was responsible and that was Uncle Eddie. He raped me, Mama. Not you. You were working. Aunt Sally should have been watching me, but went to the market while I napped. And Uncle Eddie was evil. He seized his opportunity and violated me. That did not make you at fault Mama. You were very much worthy of being my mother and you should never have taken your love and affection away. I know you did it to punish yourself, but it was me you hurt. And now even ten years after your death, I still plead for your love. I cannot get enough love. Please hear me this time; I have had over two years of therapy and I understand it all. But right now I want the wound healed. I love you. I know you love me. Let's suture my heart, Mama. It's been bleeding for too long. I've found a man I want to love and this always gets in the way. Not this time, Mama, Not this time. I am going to heal from your pain the way I healed from that rape so that I can love like a whole human being again. I love you, Mama. You rest now.
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I AM HUMAN--I BLEED
31 Views
08/10/06
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Today I feel like a freaking robot. Or at least I think perhaps that is how people see me. I do have news for some of you, I am not an android. Androids do have flesh and I understand they can be made to look mighty pretty--certainly finer than I.
But I have something robots and androids don't have, thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am damn sick and tired of people trampling on them. You are there, I am here, you think can get away with whatever you want and I won't be hurt. Who gives a sh*t. I do; that's who! I give a sh*t if you trample on my heart. My heart was made very special by Hashem to love everyone. And it does.
I honestly have not met a person that I do not love as G-d loves them. I have lived my entire life this way. I truly do not know how to hate. I cannot understand the emotion. I don't have the capability. Consequently when I get hurt by those I care about the most, it hurts, but all I can do is love them back. It is impossible for me to wish them any ill will or harm them in any way. I don't know how to do it. They are deserving of love because they are one of G-d's children. I have to love them.
What I cannot figure out is why they can't see me the same? It happens over and over again. I love myself. I think well of myself. I know I am worthy of being loved. I have good self-esteem. It is not one of those standard things any therapist or self-help book would say. I find myself could company. I love my solitude--I know how to be alone with myself and not go buggy. I can do a million things without having a partner.
I am not desperate. I don't need a man. I want a loving man in my life. I get attention, a few dates, emails, phone calls. And then they just drop me like an unwanted new born kitten down the well. It makes no sense.
My brother told me once that I was not asked out on a date in high school, because all the boys were afraid of me. I am strong in character and in a crisis, but I am altogether non-threatening. Why would I scare anyone I asked. His reply was because I was too smart. What does that have to do with any thing? I don't know how not to use my brain. I have been a dumb blonde only once, during my three weeks of amnesia.
I know how to be only me. I always have been. Can someone please tell me how that qualifies me to have my heart torn from by body, trampled on, charred by fire and sewn back in by a kindergarten class using large plastic needles and green and orange rug yarn. You have to tell me. I don't know why.
I only want to be loved.
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THE PRAYER IN THE POEM
19 Views
08/08/06
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Prayer has the capacity to transform. After praying, I am no longer the same person I was when I began. I've changed myself, even in some small way. For me, prayer is mostly about what I don't know. It helps me to look in those places I try to avoid: it helps me be more comfortabe in them, and to work on what I find there.
Like prayer, poetry also has the capacity to transform. The poet John Keats wrote of negative capacity, the state "when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason." Perhaps that's why prayer and poety have to much in common.
It's difficult to be in a place of uncertainty and mystery. Okay, it's truly terrifying, which is why prayer can be so difficult for some.
Poetry can give us a sense of wonder and amazement, as well as transform us. Some poems won't let you be the same person you were after you've finished reading or writing them. Truly good poety can show a sense of wonder and amazement, as well as tranform us. Some poems won't let you be the same person you were after you've finished reading or writing them.
Writing poetry, like praying can let you face fears and uncertainties from a safe place. The uncertainty of uncertainty; because uncertainty is where we will spend most of our lives. Fear and how it affects every part of our lives; how the heart closes up in anticipation to protect itself.
Prayer is how I work on myself. Poetry is how I express myself. Both of them help me to turn inward and explore myself and to return changed, however, slightly, for the better.
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BORROWED VISION
8 Views
08/08/06
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There are times in our lives when we may find ourselves facing challenges that can seem overwhelming. The situation or task we are struggling with seems hopeless, and it is easy to stop believing in ourselves, our goals, and our dreams. It is during these moments that it can be reassuring and reaffirming to turn to the people in our lives who do believe in us, especially when we are finding it hard to believe in ourselves. An encouraging word, a reassuring look, or hearing the words "I believe in you" from someone who matters can help us turn our situations around in an instant.
Everybody has someone who believes in them, whether this person is a teacher, parent, friend, loved one, or an employer. Often their belief can wrap us in warmth, bolster us, and offer us a supportive hand to grab onto until we can regain our own support. Having that special person who believes in our abilities and our worth is a wonderful gift. But when we are feeling unworthy, it may be difficult to take in something so precious. We may even feel like we need to do it all on our own and that we shouldn't be asking for help. However, in letting their belief and support impact you, you are acknowledging the part of yourself that knows your are worthy of trust and esteem. By allowing them to believe in you, your own belief in your self and your abilities will start to emerge again. Borrow their vision, and you can make it your own.
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CHERISHING YOU
43 Views
08/07/06
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Many people, in seeking out love, tend to look outward rather than inward. Yet falling in love with yourself can be just as wonderful an experience as falling in love with someone else. While the idea of falling in love with ourselves may be perceived as conceited or selfish, choosing to fall in love with who you are is a powerful act of self-love.
When you fall in love with yourself, you can't help but experience a wonderful sense of discovery. You begin to look at yourself again through fresh eyes, becoming more attentive to the little details that make you so unique. Once you discover how much there is about you to fall in love with, you can't help but want to treat yourself as lovingly and respectfully as you would treat anyone who is special to you. You start to give to yourself more because you become more attentive to your own needs and desires.
Choosing to fall in love with yourself is a very personal process that takes time, There is no magic wand you can wave to make this just happen. But there is the magic of your intention and the power of your actions, whether you are taking the time to do the activities you like, speaking to and treating yourself with respect, taking inventory of all your wonderful qualifites and accomplishments, or nurturing yourself with plenty of rest and self- care, When you fall in love with yourself, you begin to see yourself more positively, appreciate your unique outlook on life and treat yourself in a more nurturing way. In loving yourself, you are acknowledging that you are special and deserving of love. Best of all, you are giving yourself one of the greatest gifts you have to give another you are giving yourself the gift of your love.
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THE VALUE OF A WOMAN
18 Views
08/06/06
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Women smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without new shoes so their children can have them. The love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. The have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women comen in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or email you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope. The give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Woman have a lot to say and a lot to give.
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YOU SNUBBED ME AGAIN TODAY
10 Views
08/03/06
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I saw you talking with your friends yesterday, and I so wanted to talk to you also. I waited all, day but you never called. I hoped could find the time to talk in the evening, but I know you had a lot of other things on you mind. As your day drew to a close, I sent a cool breeze to make you feel refreshed after a long day. I put a special scent in the air from the flowers near the driveway, but I guess you didn't notice as you hurried by. I'm sad to see you rush so. I saw you fall asleep last night and I so wanted to touch your face or stroke your hair, so I spilled a little moonlight on your face and pillow. When you awoke this morning, I hoped we could have a little time together, I so wanted to rush down and talk with you, but you had to hurry off to work. My tears were in the rain. I have so may gifts for you. so much to tell you, so many wonderful things for you to experience because I love you so much. My nature is like that you know. Please call me, talk with me--ask me for help. I know the deepest desires of your heart and I so want to be close to you. My love for you is deeper than the oceans, greater than you can imagine. I long for us to share some time together--just the two of us. It hurts me to see you look so sad today. I really understand what it's like for friends to let you down. I know your heart aches. I'll close for now because I know you are very busy, and I certainly don't want to bother you. You are free to choose me, my way or not, it's your decision--I've already chosen you. Please don't be too long and remember I love you.
Your Living and Everlasting King, Hashem
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